In this post we are continuing the Cross Blog Conversation I’m having with Cindy Bidar. (I’m so loving this exchange!!)
- Read Part One Here
- Read Part Two (Cindy’s Response & Question)
- Read Part Three Here
- Read Part Four (Cindy’s Tangible Results & New Question)
Now, for Part Five, my latest response to Cindy…
Cindy asks me about the importance of knowing what I want and HOW do I lean into know and going after what I want.
Cindy, I don’t know if you can relate to this…
In some areas of my thought life, I’ve can hardly ‘feel’ the old feelings I had about stuff. I’m that transformed from the inside out. (That freaking excites me!)
This is one of those areas. Today, I find it relatively easy to know what I want. Anytime I’m not sure, I know the answer rests within me and the journey to discover it is going to come from meditation, reflection and often conversations with good friends who won’t try to influence me one way or another.
It did not used to be that way.
The surest way to get me stuck in a mental twist was to ask me what I wanted.
From the simplest everyday things…
- What do you want for lunch? (I don’t know, what do you want?)
- What movie do you want to see? (Uh, what sounds good to you?)
- Do want to invite so and so over? (Hmm… do you?)
LOL! I’m not suggesting I didn’t have wants – I DID! I was just chicken to express them most of the time. It was too risky! What if you didn’t like my answer? What if you decided to go without me? What if you preferred someone else’s company?
I’djust be accommodating to ensure that I felt safe. Don’t rock the boat.
If I did have a want, I had to go outside of myself and check – is it OKAY to have this want? Does someone else want this too?
This goes back to childhood where my ‘wanter’ got broke. My parents were alcoholics and family was a complicated mess. As the youngest, I struggled to find a place. My wants and needs were discounted. I learned to weave getting my needs met into ways to make other people happy… a workable survival method for a little kid and hungry-for-approval teen. Not so much for a grown woman.
You’d think I never got I wanted – but I did. I figured it out. I became good at spotting who wanted something that meshed well with what I wanted. I’d work hard and make it work.
Honestly though, while I often got some version of what I wanted – I almost always felt curtailed and limited.
Compromise is part of life and business, that’s what I’d tell myself. Buck up Kelly! Deal with it!
If I straight up, for even a little while, got clear about what I actually wanted – I’d look around and see all these possibilities of failure.
- If I go for what I want, so and so will be hurt – so I can’t do that.
- If I ask for what I want, so and so will judge me – so I can’t do that either.
- I do what I really want to do here, I’ll lose the approval I depend on – so hell no.
I’d retreat back from my wants – back to asking “what can I make work without rocking too many boats?”
Oh Cindy… it was exhausting. It wasn’t all bad – it was just always hard work.
When I think about it, I was often working hard to find ‘permission’ from someone else to create what I wanted to. I had a deep fear of not getting it right – whatever ‘it’ was.
Looking back now, I’m grateful for how good I got at getting SOME of what I wanted in spite of my insecurities.
Now, I’m thankful I no longer twist myself up. I don’t work so hard for approval and idea confirmation. Compromise IS a big part of life and business… but it can stifle creative expression and personal fulfillment.
Your question… how did I get better at knowing what I wanted?
Our mutual friend, Therese Sparkins, on a road trip we took together – she invited me to try leaning into ALL of my wants. She asked me to make all of our stop decisions, all of our restaurant choices, all of our music choices… just try tuning into what I want and go for it.
That trip offered me training wheels for my “Want Bike”. It was soo awkward and uncomfortable but as the trip continued, I got more into it – more willing to just blurt out my desire.
It was catchy – when we shared what we were up to, a friend asked if she could ask for what she wanted too – and asked if Therese would extend her trip and join me on a visit to her home – several states away! (Therese said YES!)
As I practiced listening to little wants, I discovered larger wants way down inside of me. They scared me – and excited me too. I started to act on these wants – and shamwow… things got sooo interesting.
Ever since then, with lots of coaching and mindset work – my ‘wanter’ is no longer broken. It’s repaired and optimized for daily use!
My ‘wanter’ is essentially my sense of personal agency.
This is my life I’m running. What I want matters most and it can’t be any other way.
If that sounds selfish – trust me, it isn’t.
The more I’ve listened to what I want, the more I’ve created more that is good and loving and positive in the world.
Some of my wants are all about me – and that’s ok. So many more are all about loving and serving others. That’s what I’m here for – it’s what I WANT TO DO!
I am a unique package of creativity, purpose, vision, and meaning on the earth. If I don’t bring all I am, if I don’t create what I want… the world misses out.
Same’s true for you babe.
Same’s true for everyone.
Holy smokes Cindy… I have LOVED this exchange so very much.
To wrap things up, I’ve got one more question for Cindy – and I’d love to hear answers for readers too!
I guess it’s a two parter…
Part A: Is there a particular set of thoughts you had to change in order to make a successful transition from employee to self-employed service provider?
Part B: What else had to change for you to make the leap from service provider to being a coach/trainer/digital empire owner?
I so look forward to what you share because I know how many people out there want to make the same big moves in their lives.
And let me thank you again for jumping in on this. It’s been too fun!
Read Cindy’s Reply Here (It’s the last post in our CBC!)